I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
