i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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