You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize