i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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