Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
