I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
