OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I need a beard to bite.
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