Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
