I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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