My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
