Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
