I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
