So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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