I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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