at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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