i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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