I think my vagina is haunted
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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