Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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