Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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