aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
