perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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