i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
