just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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