If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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