Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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