Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sober January is a disaster.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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