there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
