I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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