Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize