I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
