I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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