You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
