i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
