why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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