The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Those nachos came to me in a dream
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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