Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
