I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
