I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
