I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
