Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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