She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize