Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
