I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
