Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
