I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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