I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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