im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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