when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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