Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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