i need an iv and a liver transplant
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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