new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize