So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
