wanna go halves on a baby?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
