life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
